I have made a lot of mistakes. Pretty much, all I did was run away from them. But last year, I picked my battles, and I picked the mistakes to correct, and I did. Now, life has given me a chance to start fresh, to start new, and to be better. I am so taking it.
I am taking this chance to improve myself, to be better, and to chase my dreams. Change doesn't always have to be a complete turnover or to be completely different from who you are. Thus, I may change but I like me, I like who I am and I have resolved to love every bit of myself. Every bit, even the parts which I hate. To do that, I have to change the things that I don't like about me. I have to re-do the things that I like about me and improve on that. Also to add more things to love.
This year, I am my own project. I used to be listless about wanting a new project and giving other people a make-over to the point that I refused to look at myself in the mirror thinking I was perfect. But some things happened that really gave me a reason not to look at me. I couldn't look at myself for some time because of all the judgements I passed on myself, because I just couldn't look how much I ruined myself. Thus, this year I resolved to be better. To make this year better for me.
Attitude-wise I'm pretty much a quitter and recently I haven't been quitting anything, which is a good thing. I just now have to work on laziness and taking pretty much the easiest routes out. As for my selfishness, I think there's no cure for that, but to be more giving of my time to other people who really needs help. I have no friends here, so there's nobody to really give my time to than my family and my spirituality. I think that would be easy.
Here comes the hardest part for me. I have to love my body. I have to start taking care of it, and start eating healthy. That is my biggest problem. I indulge myself to good things, rather, things that I think are good for me, for now. I over indulge. I'm very indulgent. I have to stop that. I have to stop eating the things that I'm not allowed to eat because I'm allergic to them. I have to stop aggravating my body, and stop the crash diets.
This is the time the feels like a re-birth. I start from scratch. I start from below, from the basics. With food, with my social life, with work. Everything from the bottom. And that's okay. Because when I reach my goals nobody can say I did not work hard for it and I can say it is mine.
Fine, I was a royal bitch. I was needy, clingy, and very sexually high-strung. My needs does not go well with my wants, my wants were contradicting my personality. But despite that I was of course generally interested in what my friends have been up to. But you know I played deaf when people would tell me about their complaints about me because I was certain that if they had a problem with me, they would go up to me and say it. Like a real friend.
I am just so bitter about everything. Because when someone steals from you. Yes, I am using the word steal and I am not making euphemisms for myself anymore. When a friend steals from you, that is just heartbreaking. I was generous, I was giving, I would give and give and give, and I never ask for anything, I never asked for anything in return. I wasn't the kind who'd ask for anything if I don't need it, and if I do need something I'd get it myself. And when someone who's witnessed your generosity steals from you, that is just something hard to forgive. I am using the word steal now because the person did not ask permission to get items of clothing from my house and just "borrowed" it from my yaya. It's stealing because it was never returned. I did not use the word steal before, because she was my friend, I was in denial that she would do that to me. What hurts most is that she would tell other people that the reason why she hasn't returned my stuff is because she didn't want to see me. Because I was despicable and she was going through things. I mean, if she had the intention to return it, she would tell me. I wouldn't be the one to run after her for my things that she didn't borrow. If she was my friend, she would tell me she was going through things and she can't deal with me and my shallowness for asking my stuff back.
So basically, she got mad at me because I caught her stealing from me, and I wanted my stuff back. She got mad at me because I was shallow to care about my clothes. Clothes she insisted was hers. Clothes I just gave away because I didn't really care about those particular stuff, I was just interested with this special one because I cannot and will not find it anywhere else and I will not be able to save up again like that and that "first splurge you save up for" purchase will never happen again. So yes, slap me for being materialistic.
Plus, she had the nerve to accuse me of never reaching out to her. I did. I reached out so many times. But she didn't allow me. She never allowed me to catch up anymore. I apologised for being a materialistic bitch and you know? She accepted my apology and was okay with me again. Until I did something that blew up my friendship with everyone.
Another thing that I gained last year was that I learned to admit to my mistakes, to listen to my faults, change it, do damage control, and be responsible for my actions. I guess you know, people aren't just that understanding.
What irks me now is that there are things that I do not get. I guess, I just have to accept that I am a despicable person with twisted morals. Yes, I have twisted morals. But I can live with myself that's why I don't give a flying fuck if these people don't want me in their lives anymore. I am just annoyed by the fact that:
1) What I did isn't something that I forced on to people. It was agreed upon. It wasn't just me who did something horrible. What I do not get is that I am the only one who was thrown out in the dumps. They all had the nerve to be mad at me. All of them. I don't get that. If they were just mad at me for that one thing. That one thing I did with other people that these girls are also friends with. I was the only one that they got mad at. I don't get it. But now, I don't care anymore.
2) A certain person who I was so good to, would stab in the back. She's been telling people ridiculously bad shit about me, because she says she's entitled to her opinion and she's telling her version of the story. But the real story does not include her at all, and she tells these stories while I was miles away, and to people who do not even know me. So much for having my back. I am also annoyed by the fact that she POSTED something on the internet that is so damaging, at first hurtful but there's just no basis for what she said, so it's just plain annoying. I'd copy paste it but I don't want to cite her as to protect her identity. But let's just say I can file a libel case against her. That's how bad it was. But you know, I was so understanding about it because she was mad at me. And I have come to know that what you say about people says more about you than the person your talking shit about.
3) They still think they know me, that they didn't even consider that I may have changed. They talk to me condescendingly now like I'm a sinner and they are all wise and pure.
I am far away now. I am still mad and more hurt with everything that has happened. This is my only outlet. I get to say what I want. I am so hurt, you have no idea how hurtful it is to feel abandoned by people who promised to be there. I mean boyfriends leave, men--they all leave. But friends everyone knows that they are the ones who will stick with you through everything. They said they couldn't understand me anymore. I was very destructive. They didn't even care to ask what was happening. They just went on assuming things, pretending to have my back but all the while murdering me while I was away. I feel horrible.
I am a selfish bitch, I am now a world class bitch who is too broken to even have faith in friendship. But all of that, they're all in the past. I have processed it now. We cannot please everybody, I made mistakes, and now life has given me a chance to be better. To turn a new leaf and not repeat the mistakes I've done. I still have people who believe in me, and I will cherish that. It's just sad. It's sad to know that these people think they wasted their time with me. I am so tempted to say I wasted my time on the wrong people. But they were just right at that time when I was young. I am moving on now, I had so much fun with them, but I cannot say that they were there for me when it really mattered. Well how could they? They were the people who left me broken. It was all good while it lasted. I'm okay now. A bit. But I'll be better. Everything is okay now.
Especially with anger. Anger is a feeling that once you let out, it's out there and the reason why you let it out because it's an ugly feeling to keep inside. Anger is a feeling that you don't let stay inside your body, in your thoughts, it's a bad feeling that produces hate. I have no space in my life for hate. Once I let these feelings go, what is left is just a memory of why you had that anger. Just a faint one. And it doesn't procure that much negative emotions anymore.
Except for hurt.. Hurt, pain, hurting feelings--those are the negative emotions that stay. At first you feel angry, and then you let go of that anger, and you're just left with pain. Pain that would've been unbearable but I think, now, that I'm far far away, I can just ignore it, and let it go as well.
I guess, there is a good thing that can happen when you procrastinate. I have been procrastinating this thing wherein I have to open "Pandora's Box" and let all the stupid feelings out and to deal with them. I have been putting every bad feeling, every crippling feeling, every feeling that would make me stop my work, curl up, and just get drunk to the point of not functioning. I refused to talk about my feelings, I refused to deal with them, and I refuse to not graduate, to not enjoy the last year of my college life--my last year living in Manila--I refused.
After trying to get my bearings back, after trying to get my life back into track, after trying to make sense of things, get my head straight, push myself to be responsible, and after trying to get over the person I told myself I will marry--the person I decided to commit myself to, the person I thought was the love of my life, the one I lost everything to. After getting over my stupidity I decided to--rather my parents decided to give me another chance, I went back to Manila.
I went back to Manila with revenge. I was determined to graduate, to spend time with friends, and to just have a good time. Those were my three goals. To be able to create enough good memories to bring with me to wherever it is that I'm going. To create these memories with the people that I will always associate to "home." And my main goal: To graduate. I went back with the mindset that I will have a revenge at life for giving me the shittiest year in 2010. I was determined to make it quite better. But you know? The thing with plans is that they don't really happen the way they should be. The thing with making plans for revenge is that it always back fires.
2010 I lost the person I thought was the love of my life, but you know? Shit happens and he can have the title of my first real boyfriend. 2011 was even shittier than I thought it would be. I thought failing my thesis class at the same year I broke my heart was bad. But knowing that the people you thought would be there aren't there anymore? The feeling of so much betrayals, THAT is what is painful. I am not a completely selfish person. In fact I am very generous with the things I give. I am very generous to the people I consider my friends to the point that I bend backward for them. That is why it's painful to actually admit to myself that maybe, they took advantage of it. That is why it's painful to feel abused and taken advantaged of.
I do not do these things, picking up people, being there for them, giving up resources for them, having fun with them, stopping life for them, I do not do these things so that people will like me. I do these because I like them, because I want to be of help, because I am being a friend. But sometimes, I cannot help but feel abandoned. Like I have been away for a long time, and the people I expected (which I expected because they gave me false hope of seeing them as soon as I get back) to see me, didn't. I thought, from all the stupidity on facebook, all the missing, the when are you going back, all those bull shit, I thought they would be excited to see me. To know that I am back in Manila. I thought they'd drop everything because you're back.
What I failed to see is that when you go away, people's lives move on, and it doesn't include you. When you get back, they've moved forward, and they wouldn't really take a pause in their groovy lives, their new lives without you, to let you catch up with them.
That hurts. But you know? I cannot afford to be hurt, because I was still healing then. I could not afford to be broken, so I shrugged it off. Focused on new things. I made new friends, I looked for new people to see, I went to parties and got drunk and got acquainted to new people.
I made sure I wouldn't feel the hurt. I shrugged off the pain of being left behind by the friends who asked me to come home. I shrugged off the betrayal of being rejected by the people I tried so hard to reach out to when I was away. I turned a blind eye to the fact that when they wouldn't reply to me while I was gone, that means I wasn't important to them anymore. I turned a blind eye when they kept cancelling with me. I turned a blind eye to the fact that they wouldn't let me catch up in their new lives.
Looking back, the most valuable lesson I've learned is to look for your own silver lining on the dark cloud that hovers.
My mother always tells me and my brothers that if we have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. She has different versions of the same thing, but the point remains the same, you should not say things that would intently hurt another person.
It’s not being “plastic” wherein you pretend to like something or someone when in all honestly, you despise it/him/her. It’s more about nodding, smiling, and then all together dismissing him/her/it. Or if it requires a reaction you try your hardest to stay neutral or use euphemisms. Unless he/she/it was asking for your honest opinion, then you say it straight to their faces and not go around bashing them all over town.
Thus, despite the rash judgements made about me—which have no basis, I keep quiet. With all the wrongful accusations made, and biased opinions published, I kept quiet and did not retaliate.
But I will say this now, I do not retaliate because you are right, rather, I don’t talk back because I know the truth and I do not owe anyone anything. I do not react to what was said not because I have nothing to say, but rather, there is nothing nice to say.
We are all entitled to our own opinions, but we are responsible for the opinions we make public.
- I was too busy living life in Manila to the fullest.
- I had to focus on finishing my thesis and graduating.
- I was pushing away bad things, bad thoughts, thoughts that would cripple me. I had to push them away because I had to function.
- I wanted to have fun. To just be happy and live young, wild, and free.
- I did not want to deal with issues that may drag me down and will definitely make me feel bad and slow down my pace.
- I think I'm on crossroads, well, more of like Helen standing on the gates of Troy--in a new place where she is not yet welcomed, and at that point where she can't really go back. A woman with no "home. I need to at least be at peace if I'm in a strange land. I need to at least be whole enough, and strong enough, and wise enough to start anew.
- Basically, I am just in a big emotional mess now because of all the feelings of distrust, fear, unknown, uncertainty, and I am in the mood to start stripping down to the basics. When I say strip down, I mean it's not just throwing away clothes and things which I have already done since I had to travel light. Now, it's about time that I lose some metaphorical baggage.
- I've been watching Grey's Anatomy again and that show is just so emotionally packed that it makes you re-consider things in your life and just inspires one to reflect and psychoanalyse one's self.
- I am just so emotional right now and it's probably because of the hormonal imbalance that I am going through because of my period. I love the fact that I got it this month, and I'm pampering it for the last time. Precisely because I would be abstaining from sexual activities and I wouldn't be worried about not getting my period for a long time.
- I am in so much pain right now that I am succumbing to self pity.
So readers of this blog, get ready to hear rants and raves and random musings.
Today, in Church, the priest said that Lenten sacrifice is all about control. So, for Lent I've thought about giving up a couple of things that are hard for me, since I just finished college and I want to be able to celebrate it. Lent is all about not giving in to the excessive way of living and finding the right amount of moderation.
1) I will stop eating out just because I am too lazy to cook food for myself. I can only eat out if I've been invited to a special occasion.
2) I will not color my hair all through-out the Lenten season. Because I have this thing with coloring or changing my hair drastically, and it's a really big sacrifice on my part not to re-color my hair.
3) I will not purchase anymore lipsticks. I know I said I'll get a new shade for summer, but the thing is, this has become an addiction, and it must be stopped. I have to be able to control myself and not buy a new tube of lipstick.
4) I will not succumb to a sedentary lifestyle. I know I've nothing to do now since I'm finished with school, that is why I need to put an effort in being active and not just lounge around the whole day.
5) Lastly, I have to face the problems and feelings that I repressed when I was trying to focus on school. Now is the time to face the music and finally deal with the problems I've created. This entails not leaving Manial prematurely and flying out on a whim just to escape the realities in my life.
But to not feel bad about myself and to compensate, and probably repress these unwanted feelings, I focused on getting free lipsticks today, until I just looked back on how today went and that got me feeling blessed and thankful. The best part is, I am blessed and the universe, as always, has been kind to me on the day the almost everyone disgusts me.
Today, I am particularly blessed because I am single and alone, without anyone showing any interest in me, and YET I am okay, and:
1) I was feeling responsible, energetic, and alive when I woke up.
2) My parents remembered that it is my thesis defense today, and they wished me well.
3) Even if I had minor disagreements with the world pertaining to my preparation, I finished my defense and my readers were very kind to me.
4) I made it in 30 minutes to Makati to meet my Ninang.
5) I had a free lunch and I pigged out on salad--something I've been craving for lately, SALAD SALAD SALAD.
6) I got new sneakers!
7) I had MAC and Chanel lipsticks bought from the States and neither my aunt nor my ninang made me pay for it!!
8) I made it to my 3:00 class and I found out that if I didn't make it, I would've over cut it and not be able to graduate. BUT I MADE IT!
9) My seatmates gave me chocolates, and they were Ferero, mind you.
10) My Theology presentation went well despite losing my voice.
11) I was able to bond with my grandmother over really good coffee.
12) I went out for milk tea with my aunt.
13) I had free dinner with my aunt and uncle.
14) I ended this night watching part 2 of Harry Potter 7.
If this day the I loathe turned out good for me, then I can say that this year is just really good for me. I don't even feel like I'm overcompensating. It's just that I am overwhelmed by the fact that I find myself happy alone on this day made for lovers. I think it's also because I chose to celebrate it the way I wanted. Plus, it helped that my phone was dead half the day that I was able to focus on the things that would make me happy, but at the same time not neglect my responsibilities and still be able to regard other people's happiness. Just writing that down makes me feel accomplished.
I know I will pay for hell because I took a break from doing school work, but it's all worth it. I gave myself time to do something I want in between errands, work, and responsibilities. I mixed business with pleasure, and found pleasure in doing work, and THAT is the best thing I can give myself this Valentine's Day (yes, I am acknowledging now that it is Valentine's Day). It is better than any material thing. So, if people ask me who my valentine is this year? I can proudly answer, myself.
- Mood:
happy
Pocessing is the part after taking a picture, when the photographer develops the film, cuts out the pieces, and frames the photo. It is the act of making the raw materials into something beautiful, useful, or pleasant. A photographer who is good in processing makes good photos.
Tonight, my good friend left me a parting word, "PROCESS!"
I had this iffy feeling of being needy and clingy and looking for, for the lack of a better word, boys. I ended up calling, Hof--because, in retrospect, I needed someone who will stop me but I was also hoping for someone to enable me. In the end, she helped me start the process of facing this thing or these things that I am feeling.
One, I am full of angst and bitterness, and I have to let it all go because I am freaking out everybody from my road rage and sudden outbursts.
Two, I am projecting these feelings into other feelings of loneliness and wanting to get back together and holding on to to much history.
Three, I am anxious about the future, and I have to live in the present and be zen.
From my talk with her, she pointed out that I am most zen when I'm with family, and I try to find family here in Manila, and that I've been ignoring the present and keep escaping reality by the comfort of wanting to go "home." Also that all these aggression stems from the anger and resentment that I cannot let go of. In addition to this, the only person I can control is myself, I am the only factor int he future that I can change, I can manipulate, and I can be sure rely on. Thus, to be able to forgive, I have to create the terms for myself.
Therefore, to not waste time, I will let go of all the pain and anger that I feel, so that more good things will come to me this year. To do this, I will allow myself to feel, to search reasons, and to learn the source of my anxiety. To be open, and let things flow. To be aware, and be grateful for what I have now.
Someone once said that they stayed with me even if they don't understand why I'm lashing out. But the thing is a real friend will take the time to confront the person, reason out, and find out why the person is like that, and then understand. A real friend will take the time to know and understand. I am grateful because now Iknow who they are. Just like in relationships, it's not about how long you've been together, it's the quality of how you've spent your time with each other.
I am breaking my silence and I am saying "FUCK YOU!" You have no right to say those things to me. I know my worth, and I know what I deserve. I may have been in the wrong, and I am not making excuses, I owned my mistake, and I am trying my fucking best to face the consequences gracefully. But I know when I am being treated as dirt shit, and a sinner knows the punishment he or she deserves. I do not become a condescending bitch just because I am too uptight to make myself commit a mistake. I keep my mouth shut about the things I have no idea what I am talking about, I am not self-righteous, and if I indulge myself to being one, I do not shove my self-righteousness down other people's throats. I have more class than that.
I do not need anyone's pity because I can do fine on my own. I will not say that I wasted resources on something that did not work out the way I want it, because I had my share of fun and wisdom during the times I spent time, money, and connections. I was happy that I helped out people, and I guess it is not up to me if they would be grateful about it. I will now accept that there are people who will remember your last worst act and invalidates all the nice things you've done for them.
I will also let go those pieces of clothing I had no choice but to give away, because I can get new ones, and this time, I will take better care of it. I also have to let this one out--screw you for leaving at the worst time of my life. Once I get out of this pit, I will be better and you will not see yourself standing beside me at the top. I am grateful for the people who stood by me and helped me get out of the black hole I was in. For the people who let me make mistakes, and will let me make mistakes, and still help me every now and then. I am blessed to have people around who knows how to really help--when to give a helping hand, and when to let go and give chances to try.
I maybe at the bottom now, and I am fully aware of the hole I dug myself to bury my carcass, but because of this knowledge I am shedding off the things that I do not need for my re-birth. I know for sure that I can change. I have recognized my flaws, and I am working hard to mellow down the self-centered-ness, the rage, and the ADD.
I am also letting go of the feeling that I am least grateful, and I will not overcompensate my flaws and shortcomings. I will cherish the people who favors me, and stop forcing other people to make me their favorite. Favoritism comes naturally. I know that there are people who likes me and who favors me over others, and that should make me feel content. I cannot control other people, and I cannot make myself do something that I do not like. I have to be cognizant everyday that the at the end of the day it's only me that can make myself happy, that people will hate so might as well do something I will love myself for doing.
This year is made to give me another chance to love myself, empower myself, and rid myself of insecurities. To be that zen person, I must first know what's wrong with me, and slowly changed that to better so that I can be more open to the love other people will give.
As a result, I will be less angry because I have so much going on for me; because of how my parents raised me and treated me, I was pushed to rely on myself, to find ways to get what I want, and that has made me resourceful. I will be less angry because at some point in my life I have to fend for myself and it's good to start now when I still have something to fall back on. I will be less angry so that I will be able to open up my heart and let people love me without pushing them away. I will be less angry to get myself to move forward to a healthier life.
I will not be anxious about the future, because for as long as I can control myself, for as long as I remind myself that I've been through the bottom, and for as long as retain the ability to learn, then the future will always be bright.
Drama is made by the processor. A beautiful photo is always refreshing and light. A good processor can make drama into something light and easy. Processing drama makes a beautiful sight.
Tomorrow, hopefully, I will be a better listener, so that I'd know when to speak. Tomorrow, I will be less agitated, so that I can be feel at peace.
I have found the reason why most people rarely write when they are happy. It is because you don't naturally reflect upon your life when you're happy. When the euphoria has died down, then that is the time you are actually in the zone to reflect upon your life; and for most people writing is the way.
That is why I will take into practice to write even if everything is alright in my life. I want to be able to look back at the times when I was happy, blessed and contented--in detail (or with as much detail I can possibly put). I have to say that today is a good day. It is actually a great day.
First, it is the first day of February and this morning a friend's post said:
"Awesome people seem to be having lots of epic moments and opportunities this year even if it's just starting! :) You ought to be worried if nothing epic has been happening to you. (Hate to say it but I think that means something is wrong with your chosen life path.)" Sanchez, 2012.
This got me smiling and feeling content because January had been EPIC. It started out well, climaxed, and ended with a beach trip with new friends. January started with meeting new awesome friends from old friends, it's all about dinners and special occasions that introduced me to new people. In the middle was my struggle for thesis and making the right decisions about working out and taking time to finish my thesis. Then it ended with my most-awaited immersion at the beach.
Then, today, I didn't realise that it was already February and that I set up a "date" to reconnect with my friend, Chinx. I got treated to a yummy and healthy breakfast, did my laundry, got treated to new pair of eye glasses, spent time with my bestfriend and my godson, shopped for make-up and window-shopped for bikinis while learning about a good friend. Catching up, finding things we both like, and ended up going to the grocery to buy: wine, sausages, baguettes, and cheese.
While at the produce section buying sausages and making crass green jokes in front of a wholesome looking yuppie family, I had a "My Amnesia Girl" moment. In the movie My Amnesia Girl, John Lloyd--after a long time not seeing his ex--saw Toni Gonzaga at the produce section of a supermarket. Well, I was busy picking out sausages when Chinx asked me if that was Miguel on my left side, and indeed it was and I couldn't help laughing at the situation. I'd like to think he got embarrassed to be associated with us because we were laughing like hyenas, as the reason why he left and didn't even say hi. Although I feel bad that he might think I was laughing at him. But that laugh shared with Chinx is worth it. That was a good laugh.
It followed with a chill night about sharing our opinions and thoughts and realisations about life over a bottle of 2008 Listel Merlot, two baguette sandwiches, three grilled sausages, German potato salad, and a chunk of Gouda cheese (just because they didn't have Brie!), oh and That 70's show! How chill can you get?
I am so happy that we ended that night where our friendship started--Faith's house. Our trio is back. I am also so happy that I can always talk to Faith about anything and that she allows herself to be buzzed and feel good around me. How despite the present being a bitch to deal with, what we want for the future is pretty much clear.
I wish for things to be better for my friends. Now that we're all near graduation, and we're almost equipped to face the real world, I hope that we get the chance to enjoy this transition part of being dependent learners to becoming independent inspirations. We may have had shortcomings, we may have made wrong turns, and we may have stumbled, fallen and rolled over, but we stopped, checked ourselves, stood up, and found our way back to the path that will make our mommas proud. One day, those people who lacked faith and did not believe that we will shine through, they will wish they didn't leave when we were at the bottom.
- Mood: hopeful
Also, today I finally tried out TRX and I have this fire inside me that wants to push further even if I can't do it anymore, that the only time I gave up was when it hurt so much I fear I won't be able to stand up anymore. Other than that, I am so happy that I took up a new work out routine. It is also my first time to do this kind of exercise, and first time for me to work out properly. This has made me really happy.
I am actually happier now with how I deal with my life. So far, 2012 has been good for me. I have been really productive. I'm almost finished with my thesis, and I'm progressing with it and I've scheduled my defense already. Another thing is that I finally cleaned out my closet, and I'm still on the process of throwing things I don't need and it feels good.
I've been working out every week since the new year kicked in. I've also met new people, and I've partied hard for weekends but I don't feel tired at all.
I don't know where this happiness and energy is coming from. But despite people missing in my life, I'm happy. I'm still getting happier.
I may be lacking things now, I may be off with my talents right now, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm happy everyday, and I'm on my own.
Now I can say that singlehood is finally happy.
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